Inspected and rejected

The other day I was updating my parents on our journey, and I was sharing with them some trouble we've been having with a neighboring state. This particular state lists their children and says that they are "legally free for adoption" and that "all interested families will be considered." We have inquired about three different sets of siblings from this state only to be told all three times that they are not considering out-of-state families.

Frustrating.

The good news is that the state's adoption and permanency network is aware of the issue and is asking that adoptive families report this to their office. The suspicion is that there is a culture wherein caseworkers are avoiding out of state families because of the extensive paperwork involved in the ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children) process. So, I've reported these three incidents.

In relaying this information to my parents, I commented on how often it seems that families in this process are "inspected then rejected." My mother, who loves all things grammatical, immediately commented that my description would be a great title for a blog. This is the same mom that once, while we were arguing during my teenage years, interrupted me to compliment me on a great use of alliteration. (Love you, mom!) She's the best. :)

So, for the past few days I've been mulling over the whole concept of inspection and rejection. And, I've ended up in a very different place from where I started.

Just this past week, Peter and I pulled out of the running for a set of three beautiful children from the midwest. We were one of four families that was supposed to go to committee yesterday, but when we got the paperwork Monday evening, we had to make the difficult decision to decline consideration.

That is always, always (always) the hardest part for me.

But, it made me think. As much as I feel inspected and rejected, how much more so these precious children for whom that process is a way of life. At least I go to bed each night in a home with a loving husband and a precious baby girl (who occasionally sleeps, too!). At least I have a strong bond with my sister, who has always supported and loved me. At least I have parents that I know and with whom I have a wonderful relationship. Add to that all my extended family, friends, neighbors, etc. that form my world, and I find myself quite blessed indeed.

So many kiddos don't have the things I take for granted.

Too often, they've been rejected on some level by their parents (and sometimes those parents are themselves victims of great rejection themselves).

Sometimes, they are rejected by other family members who may want to care for them but cannot.

Often, these children move from foster family to foster family and from school system to school system. That is no way to build strong friendships with other children. By the time these kids are ready to be adopted, they've experienced so many broken relationships.

All of that isn't even to mention the numerous times they have been inspected -- by caseworkers, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers, school specialists, therapists, counselors, lawyers, the court system, etc.

And, finally...by us. We adoptive parents inspect them, too. We see their photos, read their short bios, and decide if we're even interested. And then, if a caseworker shows interest in us, we read even more details. Things that are so very private: health histories, medication  information, reasons that Child Protective Services was called, injuries, sexual abuse, bed wetting history. Nothing is sacred.

After families read all of that information, they (we) often chose rejection.

In fairness, that is often necessary. Not every family can care for every child. I can't bring a 15-year-old with conduct disorder into my home or a child with certain other medical or behavioral conditions.

But, I do believe that there is a family for each child. I do believe my social worker when she tells me that there are families equipped to take the children that we are not equipped to take. I do believe that we may be called to keep families together by adopting siblings, and others may be called to love the children that need special medical care, or who suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome.

But, sadly, I also believe that there are so many people who may be called to help - whether by adopting, by fostering, by mentoring, or simply by praying - who don't because they are afraid.

Adoption is not for everyone. Neither is fostering. I know the latter isn't for us right now. But all Christians are called to love the orphan (James 1:27). For some, that may be as simple as sponsoring a child through a ministry like Compassion International. For others, that may mean being a Big Brother or Big Sister or volunteering at the YMCA. For still others, that may be loving the kids at school or church who don't have moms or dads at home.

Within the past month or so I have been in contact with three families: one who was matched with twins from Africa, and two who are grieving disrupted adoptions. All three families need our prayers.

I have a former student of mine who has a burden for adoption, but she knows now is not her time. So, she reached out to me to offer support to my husband and me. She answered the call God placed on her life at this very moment, and that makes a difference. Maybe not one she will see, but certainly one that I can.

This post is already lengthy, but I want to link to two blogs that have encouraged me that there really are those who sense the need and have answered the call. I pray that my readers will also ask God today how we can all answer God's call to love the fatherless.

• I am not familiar with this mom's story, but I did read this one post and believe it is very much worth sharing. The good news is that not long after she posted this, she and her husband brought home a toddler boy. 
• I subscribe to this blog, and I have followed Rebekah's story for years. Her blog, HeartCries, is such a beautiful look into God's calling of adoption.

Prayers please...

It's been a number of weeks since my last post here - not for a lack of things to say, but more for a lack of time to say them. Now I have a few minutes while the little pickle is asleep and I just finished a 30 minute phone call with my social worker.

They say it's either feast or famine in this process, and I would agree. Since our experience in June with the children from Oregon, we've taken time to process, to pray, and to reevaluate what we believe God is calling us to do. We have also inquired on over 80 other situations from around the country and have been navigating the feedback. More on that in a moment.

But first to share a bit of my heart on the matter - After reading through (literally) hundreds of profiles, it becomes easy to start seeing children as just the words on the paper or the stats on the charts. That is, until I stop and really listen. We are surrounded by brokenness, and none is so devastating to me as what results from the cycles established when parents do not care for their children.

It's easy to make value judgements when I hear of children addicted to drugs from birth, or sexually abused, or who have stopped growing because of the trauma they have endured. I will never adjust to hearing about little ones not yet five years old who had to be hospitalized because they are harming themselves, or about any number of other horrors that precious children have had to endure.

And yet, it isn't as simple as blaming the parents. Yes, parents make choices, and yes they are responsible for those choices and the damage that results to their children. But, these parents so often have the deck stacked against them. Many of them were once foster children themselves. An estimated 28,000 children age out of the foster care system each year leaving them vulnerable to poverty, homelessness, PTSD, and the list goes on and the cycle continues. A simple online search offers all kinds of statistics. It is a vicious cycle, and it needs to be stopped - even though it can feel hopeless at times. At any given time, there are an estimated 400,000 children in foster care of which roughly 100,000 are available for adoption.

Almost every day since we heard the news that another family was chosen, our little A has asked to pray for the Oregon siblings by name. Somehow, my not-yet two-year-old remembers their names and often prays for them on her own. Her simple prayers consists of "Papa, Mama, me, [insert names]. Amen." But, I know God hears her heart. It has been a wonderful opportunity for us to thank God that those children found a forever family and also to teach little A to pray for all the other children who are in need of one. She may not yet fully understand, but her heart is tender towards the need.

And, so, we continue the process, the calling, and we ask for your prayers. We recently submitted on an out-of-state situation from a state in the northeast, and we heard back from the caseworker this week. The children are a legal risk placement, which means that there is a chance an adoption would fall through. Basically, the parental rights have been terminated, but there is an appeal in process. The strength of the appeal is in question, and the caseworker wants to place the children before the appellate decision comes down, so there is a risk. Our motto is to continue until there is a red light, and at this point there is peace in continuing.

We also just received some additional information from another sibling set from another state in the midwest. They are going to committee in early October and want to hear back from all interested parties by the middle of September. We need to review and consider. Yesterday, I received a call from a state out west that was responding to two inquiries I made with additional information. At this point, we don't have peace about those situations, so we are discontinuing our pursuit.

Aside from that, we keep reading profiles and sending inquiries. In the midst of the process there are many little encouragements along the way, and I am grateful for those. I spoke online briefly the other week with a mom who was preliminarily chosen with her husband to bring home a sibling set of nine children! They already have six at home! It's good to know that there are people out there who are willing to open their homes to siblings sets who are very often characterized as special needs placements because they are harder to match.

Foster children are in care through no fault of their own.  They are not abnormal or strange. They are dealing with things that no child should have to face, and they each need families who can love them despite their hurt and past experiences. Yes, it's work, and yes it can be scary, but their lives are worth it.