Exhausted

“The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed.”

~Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

I was so tempted to quit on Monday. It was a fleeting thought, but one that I voiced aloud to Peter. I don't really want to quit, but in that very moment after six hours of social worker interviews and listening to horror stories, I was surely tempted. Peter was shocked. I had to remind him that I wanted to quit after we brought little A home, too, but that wanting to quit and actually quitting were two different things. I am not a quitter, but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally get tempted. I'm in a better frame of mind today.

Within the last week we have had four social worker meetings, totaling about 12 hours inclusive, completed roughly 25 hours of foster parent training, filled out yet even more paperwork, gone twice for fingerprinting, cleaned our house, had two home visits, and created three photo albums, one for each of the boys. To top it off, A had her 18 month pediatrician visit, and she screamed for just about the entire time we were there. Now she's napping, and I'm enjoying a cappuccino. Things are looking up.

For anyone who thinks that adoptive moms don't have to go through physical labor, I would agree. But, I would counter that with saying that contractions are about the only extreme pain we don't experience, and I hear you can medicate those. If I take any pain killing medicine, I have to report it to my social worker so she can include it in our home study. Yup, she wrote down that I very occasionally take Advil (and I mean once a year?). Oh, and that I have a glass of wine with my pasta on Sundays (what Italian doesn't?).

But enough complaining. Today is a new day and things are looking up. The children have a great foster mom who has been pouring love into them, and every time I talk to her I am encouraged. These kids are loved. By its very nature, adoption involves trauma, but I know that these children will weather that no matter where they are placed, and much of that credit will go to foster mom. Praise God for these kinds of families all around the country.

Another thing worth celebrating is that our new home study is complete. I just got off the phone with our social worker and shared with her some minor corrections. Now we just need to sign and send.

Then comes the hard part. Waiting and trusting. This is the part that I've had the most experience with and yet it's still the hardest part for me. At least while I'm compiling paperwork and answering endless intrusive questions, I am in some sort of control. Now I have none. I'm quite sure I should be glad about that, because the God of the Universe is in control, and quite frankly, He's much better at it than I am. But there still is a little (or maybe big) part of me that just wants to know that everything will turn out the way I want it to.

By earthy standards, we have a 33% chance of being chose to parent. But, depending on what God wants, we either have a 0% or a 100% chance. Deep down, that really brings me comfort.

The committee meets next Wednesday, June 18. Because of the laws of the state, we will find out that same day if we are chosen, but we will not be able to announce those results for 7-10 days. That means, I can't even contact foster mom to make logistical arrangements. The state does this to protect the children in case the family chosen reviews all the redacted paperwork and then decides they cannot follow through.

So...for those of you who have been following our story, please pray for us. And continue to pray after the 18th. Either way, we'll need God's grace, hopefully to help us prepare to welcome four new children, but if not, to grieve our loss and regroup.