We are all called to care.

Throughout both our adoption journeys, I have heard from numerous people whose hearts have also been drawn towards adopting, but for one reason or another believed that it wasn't their time. That's ok. God puts adoption on people's hearts for various reasons. Some of us are called to adopt. Some of us are called to foster. Some of us are called in other ways. But, we are all called to care.

In honor of this year's National Adoption month, here are 7 things to consider doing in order to fulfill the call of James 1:27 to care for orphans.

1. Pray. One of the most important things we all can do is to pray for those in need. There are numerous online photo listings of children who are need of forever families. Browse through the photos of children in your state and pray for them by name. See the following favorites of mine or just do a google search for waiting children in your area.
• Adopt US Kids
• A Family for Every Child 
• Heart Gallery Alabama
• The Children's Heart Gallery
• Wednesday's Child
• Heartland for Children
• Heart Gallery of New Mexico
• Heart Gallery of Missouri
2. Donate a suitcase. Oftentimes, foster children carry their belongings from home to home in nothing but a trash bag. Our agency, Lutheran Social Ministries of NJ, is doing a luggage drive to help support local foster children. If you can give, please do. If a suitcase or duffel bag is too much, partner with a few friends. For those of you local to me, feel free to drop off any gifts at my house, and I'll be sure they get to LSM. Kids should have the dignity of packing all their earthly belongings into something other than a trash bag.
3. Donate money. While adoption through foster care can often be done for free or for close to free, occasionally there are upfront expenses. On the other hand, international adoptions and domestic infant adoptions can be quite costly. There are all sorts of agency fees for home studies and matching services, not to mention the price of fingerprinting and background checks. Then, there are often costs for helping birthmothers and for hospital and travel expenses. Many times, agencies try to offset this financial burden by having fundraisers or by taking donations to offset what families need to pay. Some recommendations:
• We adopted our littlest one through A Act of Love in Sandy, Utah. They are a great agency that really cared not only for us, but also for our baby's birth mamma. I recommend them both for the wonderful experience we had with them and because they are in one of only two states where same-sex adoption is illegal. If you donate to them, you can know your money won't support same-sex adoption. 
• If you personally know a couple adopting, you can also donate to them. Many expectant adoptive parents have struggled so much before an adoptive match that they are hesitant to share any kind of news with friends. That means they often miss out on baby showers and have to purchase all sorts of things in addition to all the costs of the adoption. I know my husband and I appreciated the gift cards (and diapers) that we received once A came home with us. Our choir also threw us an impromptu shower. This time around, we've been on the receiving end of clothes and offers for beds, etc. That has been wonderful. Don't be shy about asking what people need. My guess is that they won't be shy about telling you (and you'll save the hassle of duplicating a gift.)
• Consider donating to the James 1:27 Foundation. They offer grants to Christian families in Iowa who are pursuing adoption. You can also google other foundations offering grants.
4. Donate time. One of the nicest offers we had when we left our home in a hurry to meet our daughter (we had about 12 hours notice) was a call from one of our friends to come clean while we were gone. It so happened that my mom had already taken care of that, but what a practical and thoughtful gesture!
   
   That same friend offered to give me a few hours a week once we bring home our four new ones. This way, I can grocery shop, take a nap, clean a toilet, or whatever!
   
   Also consider donating your time to watch children already in the family. Part of adoption preparedness requires multiple appointments for things such as fingerprinting, intake interviews, interviews with various caseworkers, and required classes. Offer to babysit the children in the home so parents can attend the things they need to complete.
5. Start a ministry in your church. There are as many ideas for blessing adoptive families as there are people to have them. Here are just a few:
• Partner with Orphan Sunday to plan fundraisers to help families considering adoption.
• Offer babysitting to those in the community who foster or adopt. 
• Host an adoption support group or community event.
6. Become a Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). CASAs are appointed by judges to advocate for children who have been abused and neglected. They make sure these precious children don't get lost in the system or end up in inappropriate foster care. CASAs are volunteers who stay with the children until the case is closed. Learn more here and here.
7. Take the plunge. Maybe adoption really isn't for you. But, then again, maybe it is. If you know for certain that you are not called to adopt, then please don't feel guilted into it. But, if you don't know for sure, please prayerfully consider adopting or fostering. Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, the paperwork is daunting and the process is intimidating. Yes, the path is unpredictable and often lonely. The dirty little secret is that we are never ready. But, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I like to remember the following quote: "I used to wonder if I was ready to be an adoptive parent, but then I realized children are never ready to be orphans." (Glenn Styffe)

Let's face it, adoption can be scary, but that's mostly because it is unfamiliar. Adoption can also be an amazing experience, one that gives an intimate view of what God means when He describes how He adopted us into His family. 

What other things would you add to this list?

The Call....

Well, it finally happened. Our family is about to change. Friday morning we were three, and by Friday evening we were seven. Yes, you read that correctly...seven. We couldn't be more excited, overwhelmed, nervous, overwhelmed, grateful, and did I mention...overwhelmed?!? :) (Thank God we already have a van!)

On Friday at nearly 4pm, the house line rang. We hardly ever answer that line, but I was waiting for a call from our pediatrician. Figuring she dialed our home number in error, I went inside to answer.

One the other end of the line was the caseworker for four children who were the subjects of a matching meeting that day. She called to tell us that we were chosen as the forever family for these four precious children - three girls and a boy. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I was afraid I didn't hear her correctly.

There's not much else to tell at this point except to ask for your prayers. We will spend the next month or two traveling for visits and transitioning our new children into our home. In addition to having to construct a wall to divide one of our upstairs bedrooms into two, we will have to purchase furniture and other items, and even more importantly, will have to make all sorts of decisions including schooling ones as well as holiday ones, etc. So, the best thing all of you can do for us is to pray and encourage us.

We couldn't be more excited to see what God has in store for our ever growing family. He has truly heard the cry of my heart and is blessing us beyond our wildest dreams.

Mother writes letter to child she plans to abort

Did you hear about the mom who wrote a letter to the baby she plans to kill? It's heart wrenching. She knows what she is doing, but she is afraid. Her letter has attracted all sorts of reactions from both sides of the debate. 

I have a different reaction. It's not a novel one by any means, but it is one that isn't heard enough by the pro-life crowd.

What if, instead of condemning this mom for her fearful choice, we offered to help her? What if, instead of judging her, we lovingly showed her another option?

What if we walked the walk in addition to talking the talk?

What if we all said to all moms considering abortion: give your babies a chance at life. 

I will hold your hand while you cry. 

I will listen while you talk through your options and share your fears.

I will offer you shelter when your parents kick you out of the house and your boyfriend abandons you. 

I will buy you some diapers.

I will babysit when you go to school or work.

I will talk to the adoption worker with you.

I will take a birthing class with you.

I will be there with you in the hospital.

What would happen if someone said to this mother, "I will raise your child as my own, and will love and provide for him/her, always making sure that you can share in the experience of loving this life inside you"? 

I will.

Who will join me?

A tale of two interviews

A short update since we can't share all the specific details at this point:

A week ago my husband and I were interviewed as potential parents for four children from a midwestern state. We were one of the first families interviewed, and it may be some time before a decision is made. Hopefully, we will know this week whether or not the caseworkers are still interested in us, since [once again] our hearts have been captured by these children and by their story, and we want to know how to proceed.

The other day, we had a phone conference for four children from a different state. At this point, we are the top choice for these precious kiddos. The next step, should we decide to continue and should the state remain interested after our interview, is for us to begin meeting the children. Each state has its own matching process, and this particular state wants potential parents and children to meet before a final decision is made.

I asked the worker how they handle explaining that to the children, since a family could conceivably meet the kids and then decide against bringing them home. She said that families are introduced as "maybe" families, and the children, particularly older ones, have the opportunity to offer feedback. Before we commit to going this route with these children, we need to be as certain as possible in order to minimize the possibility that we'd decide to move in another direction. I can't imagine how horrible that would be for the children to have been rejected yet again.

Both sets of siblings sound as though they would fit well into our family. Every scenario brings with it some concerns; particularly so in the second situation since these children have not yet been counseled on adoption and believe they may be returning to family. Given that, we are moving slowly and wish for counseling to occur over time before we meet with them. In the interim, we hope to hear one way or another from the first situation so we can make the best decision possible.

Meanwhile, we continue to research, inquire, and submit. We are continually challenged and stretched as we learn about different medical and behavioral conditions and decide if we could successfully handle them in our home. This week, we had to research Hirschbrung's Disease and Microcephaly.

We also keep participating in educational courses as we see ones that may prove helpful. This weekend we took a webinar on Discipline, Attachment, and the Adopted Child, since children coming from traumatic backgrounds require special care, especially as attachment doesn't always occur the way it is supposed to.

Our social worker is amazing and proactive, and we have heard back from a number of caseworkers across the country. Quite a few have expressed interest in us, and we have either expressed continual interest or have declined to pursue further.

As always, we appreciate continued prayers for wisdom and discernment. I foolishly thought that this second time around would be somewhat easier, and I am finding out daily just how wrong I was. With our first child, my heart broke as I read the reasons that birth moms didn't feel as though they could handle raising a baby, and I couldn't imagine carrying a little one and entrusting him or her to complete strangers. (I maintain that birthmothers are among our culture's unsung heroes.)

Yet, this time around, we are talking about children who have been mistreated by parents. They aren't available for adoption because their birth mom wants a better home for them. They are waiting for adoptive families because they are victims of neglect, abuse, trauma, etc. Needless to say, this has been eye-opening, and we continue to ask for prayers for these children in need.

Inspected and rejected

The other day I was updating my parents on our journey, and I was sharing with them some trouble we've been having with a neighboring state. This particular state lists their children and says that they are "legally free for adoption" and that "all interested families will be considered." We have inquired about three different sets of siblings from this state only to be told all three times that they are not considering out-of-state families.

Frustrating.

The good news is that the state's adoption and permanency network is aware of the issue and is asking that adoptive families report this to their office. The suspicion is that there is a culture wherein caseworkers are avoiding out of state families because of the extensive paperwork involved in the ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children) process. So, I've reported these three incidents.

In relaying this information to my parents, I commented on how often it seems that families in this process are "inspected then rejected." My mother, who loves all things grammatical, immediately commented that my description would be a great title for a blog. This is the same mom that once, while we were arguing during my teenage years, interrupted me to compliment me on a great use of alliteration. (Love you, mom!) She's the best. :)

So, for the past few days I've been mulling over the whole concept of inspection and rejection. And, I've ended up in a very different place from where I started.

Just this past week, Peter and I pulled out of the running for a set of three beautiful children from the midwest. We were one of four families that was supposed to go to committee yesterday, but when we got the paperwork Monday evening, we had to make the difficult decision to decline consideration.

That is always, always (always) the hardest part for me.

But, it made me think. As much as I feel inspected and rejected, how much more so these precious children for whom that process is a way of life. At least I go to bed each night in a home with a loving husband and a precious baby girl (who occasionally sleeps, too!). At least I have a strong bond with my sister, who has always supported and loved me. At least I have parents that I know and with whom I have a wonderful relationship. Add to that all my extended family, friends, neighbors, etc. that form my world, and I find myself quite blessed indeed.

So many kiddos don't have the things I take for granted.

Too often, they've been rejected on some level by their parents (and sometimes those parents are themselves victims of great rejection themselves).

Sometimes, they are rejected by other family members who may want to care for them but cannot.

Often, these children move from foster family to foster family and from school system to school system. That is no way to build strong friendships with other children. By the time these kids are ready to be adopted, they've experienced so many broken relationships.

All of that isn't even to mention the numerous times they have been inspected -- by caseworkers, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers, school specialists, therapists, counselors, lawyers, the court system, etc.

And, finally...by us. We adoptive parents inspect them, too. We see their photos, read their short bios, and decide if we're even interested. And then, if a caseworker shows interest in us, we read even more details. Things that are so very private: health histories, medication  information, reasons that Child Protective Services was called, injuries, sexual abuse, bed wetting history. Nothing is sacred.

After families read all of that information, they (we) often chose rejection.

In fairness, that is often necessary. Not every family can care for every child. I can't bring a 15-year-old with conduct disorder into my home or a child with certain other medical or behavioral conditions.

But, I do believe that there is a family for each child. I do believe my social worker when she tells me that there are families equipped to take the children that we are not equipped to take. I do believe that we may be called to keep families together by adopting siblings, and others may be called to love the children that need special medical care, or who suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome.

But, sadly, I also believe that there are so many people who may be called to help - whether by adopting, by fostering, by mentoring, or simply by praying - who don't because they are afraid.

Adoption is not for everyone. Neither is fostering. I know the latter isn't for us right now. But all Christians are called to love the orphan (James 1:27). For some, that may be as simple as sponsoring a child through a ministry like Compassion International. For others, that may mean being a Big Brother or Big Sister or volunteering at the YMCA. For still others, that may be loving the kids at school or church who don't have moms or dads at home.

Within the past month or so I have been in contact with three families: one who was matched with twins from Africa, and two who are grieving disrupted adoptions. All three families need our prayers.

I have a former student of mine who has a burden for adoption, but she knows now is not her time. So, she reached out to me to offer support to my husband and me. She answered the call God placed on her life at this very moment, and that makes a difference. Maybe not one she will see, but certainly one that I can.

This post is already lengthy, but I want to link to two blogs that have encouraged me that there really are those who sense the need and have answered the call. I pray that my readers will also ask God today how we can all answer God's call to love the fatherless.

• I am not familiar with this mom's story, but I did read this one post and believe it is very much worth sharing. The good news is that not long after she posted this, she and her husband brought home a toddler boy. 
• I subscribe to this blog, and I have followed Rebekah's story for years. Her blog, HeartCries, is such a beautiful look into God's calling of adoption.

Prayers please...

It's been a number of weeks since my last post here - not for a lack of things to say, but more for a lack of time to say them. Now I have a few minutes while the little pickle is asleep and I just finished a 30 minute phone call with my social worker.

They say it's either feast or famine in this process, and I would agree. Since our experience in June with the children from Oregon, we've taken time to process, to pray, and to reevaluate what we believe God is calling us to do. We have also inquired on over 80 other situations from around the country and have been navigating the feedback. More on that in a moment.

But first to share a bit of my heart on the matter - After reading through (literally) hundreds of profiles, it becomes easy to start seeing children as just the words on the paper or the stats on the charts. That is, until I stop and really listen. We are surrounded by brokenness, and none is so devastating to me as what results from the cycles established when parents do not care for their children.

It's easy to make value judgements when I hear of children addicted to drugs from birth, or sexually abused, or who have stopped growing because of the trauma they have endured. I will never adjust to hearing about little ones not yet five years old who had to be hospitalized because they are harming themselves, or about any number of other horrors that precious children have had to endure.

And yet, it isn't as simple as blaming the parents. Yes, parents make choices, and yes they are responsible for those choices and the damage that results to their children. But, these parents so often have the deck stacked against them. Many of them were once foster children themselves. An estimated 28,000 children age out of the foster care system each year leaving them vulnerable to poverty, homelessness, PTSD, and the list goes on and the cycle continues. A simple online search offers all kinds of statistics. It is a vicious cycle, and it needs to be stopped - even though it can feel hopeless at times. At any given time, there are an estimated 400,000 children in foster care of which roughly 100,000 are available for adoption.

Almost every day since we heard the news that another family was chosen, our little A has asked to pray for the Oregon siblings by name. Somehow, my not-yet two-year-old remembers their names and often prays for them on her own. Her simple prayers consists of "Papa, Mama, me, [insert names]. Amen." But, I know God hears her heart. It has been a wonderful opportunity for us to thank God that those children found a forever family and also to teach little A to pray for all the other children who are in need of one. She may not yet fully understand, but her heart is tender towards the need.

And, so, we continue the process, the calling, and we ask for your prayers. We recently submitted on an out-of-state situation from a state in the northeast, and we heard back from the caseworker this week. The children are a legal risk placement, which means that there is a chance an adoption would fall through. Basically, the parental rights have been terminated, but there is an appeal in process. The strength of the appeal is in question, and the caseworker wants to place the children before the appellate decision comes down, so there is a risk. Our motto is to continue until there is a red light, and at this point there is peace in continuing.

We also just received some additional information from another sibling set from another state in the midwest. They are going to committee in early October and want to hear back from all interested parties by the middle of September. We need to review and consider. Yesterday, I received a call from a state out west that was responding to two inquiries I made with additional information. At this point, we don't have peace about those situations, so we are discontinuing our pursuit.

Aside from that, we keep reading profiles and sending inquiries. In the midst of the process there are many little encouragements along the way, and I am grateful for those. I spoke online briefly the other week with a mom who was preliminarily chosen with her husband to bring home a sibling set of nine children! They already have six at home! It's good to know that there are people out there who are willing to open their homes to siblings sets who are very often characterized as special needs placements because they are harder to match.

Foster children are in care through no fault of their own.  They are not abnormal or strange. They are dealing with things that no child should have to face, and they each need families who can love them despite their hurt and past experiences. Yes, it's work, and yes it can be scary, but their lives are worth it.

Blessed be the name of the Lord

"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; BLESSED be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

Never have these words hit home as they did this past week. Another family was chosen for the children we were hoping would be ours, and we were faced with questions of our own integrity. Would we rejoice as we said we would? Could we still trust the God Who appeared to have disappointed us?

Yet, nothing we face will really ever match what Job suffered. He lost his wealth, his children, his friends, and still he blessed God's name. He was a man who knew the character of his God.

This week was filled with questions, tears, and lots of re-evaluating. Yes, we are disappointed. Yes, we wish things had turned out differently. Yes, there is loss. But, we are pressed, not crushed; struck down, not destroyed.

If I had to compare this experience, the closest thing I could use to equivocate would be a miscarriage. My doctoral advisor and I were talking about this, and she suggested the comparison. It's not a perfect one, because no child actually died. But, in a way, there is a death of a hope. So, perhaps that's the best way to try to explain what we're feeling.

In that same vein, there are things that are helpful for us to hear, and things that are not helpful. I share a short list for those who may find themselves someday wanting to comfort someone in our shoes.

Please don't:

• Trivialize our experience by saying something akin to "it just wasn't meant to be." That may or may not be true, but it glosses over our pain.
• Suggest that we're better off because four kids would have been a handful. Again, we know you mean well, but would you say that to someone who lost a child?
• Tell us how blessed we are to have our daughter, and that we should focus on that. Yes, we are blessed, but again...well...do I need to explain?

Please do:

• Simply say "I'm sorry. I know how much you were hoping this would work out."
• Offer a hug or an ear to hear our story.
• Remind us that you're praying for us and for the children that God does have for our family.
• Just be our friends. You don't even have to say anything. 

We do trust God, and we do know that His plans and thoughts are better than ours. But, we also have feelings, and our faith does not negate those.

The good news, and the cause for rejoicing is that these four precious children do now have a forever family, and we are exceptionally grateful for that. I am also grateful for my new relationship with foster mom. We may not get to parent the children she loved, but we get to pray for her as she makes this difficult transition of handing over her babies to another family. I can't even begin to imagine the difficulty, and I guess that no amount of preparation eases the process.

For those who have asked, we do not need to begin the process all over. Because we had a new home study done, we are current for another year. We are also quite happy with our new agency and social worker. We've had great social workers throughout our entire adoption experience, and our new one, M, is no exception. This new agency is quite proactive in helping us search for children, which is a plus, and M has already asked me to put together a one-page profile that she can use to present us to caseworkers.

All in all, after a week full of many emotions, we are encouraged and grateful for a God that sees each sparrow fall, knows each hair on our head, and certainly cares about each waiting child far more than we ever could.

He gives. He takes.  Blessed be His name.

No other gods...

So, it's finally here. The big day. Over a year ago, we first saw these precious children on a waiting child list. Our first inquiry was made on May 22, 2013. Last July, we started our home study. After experiencing administrative delays in obtaining state clearances, we finally had our home study approved in October. We submitted to this situation and our home study never made it. We found out after the deadline. The caseworker had already chosen families for the matching committee.

I was so upset.

I contacted the website that handled our home study submission, and I notified the owner of the mistake. She said nothing could be done. I asked if a match was always chosen when a committee convened and was told that it was rare for one not to be found. So, I did the only thing I knew to do - I prayed. I asked the Lord to prevent a match if we were supposed to parent these children.

Now, nine months later, we are waiting for the committee to meet and decide. I really never thought I'd see this day. Everything has fallen into place so perfectly these last several weeks that we look at the process and see God's hand throughout.

And that's the hard part.

It's easy to look at how God orchestrated everything and let that convince us that this will have the happy ending that we want. But, isn't that really just putting our faith in how circumstances look?

Thou shalt have NO other gods before Me.

How easy it is to want to look at circumstances and put our faith in them, or to look at someone else's faith or sense of peace and put our trust in those. But, God calls us to put our trust in Him and in Him alone.

I read a novel last week in which the protagonist was watching a friend struggle with a tragedy. She asked her friend why she wasn't angry with God, and the answer was really for me. The friend replied that there are two kinds of faith: the kind that trusts in what God does and the kind that trusts who God is. The first kind often leads to disappointment and bitterness, because God doesn't always answer the way we ask Him to. The second kind leads to peace in the storm, strength in the battle, and joy in the ashes.

It's the second kind of faith that we are holding on to today. Thank you all for your prayers and words of support.

Unfortunately, once we get a call tonight, we won't be able to share any news with anyone for seven business days. I know there are many who have been upholding us and praying for us, and you should get to hear how God answers your prayers. Know that we will tell you as soon as we can. Please help us by not asking. I promise to post an update when I can. Until then, know that God is good. All the time.

Rejoice

I have an amazing husband, and I want to take a moment to honor him for his part in all of this. Anyone who knows us knows that I am the gas pedal and Peter is the brakes; I dive in head-first while he dips in one toe at a time. But Peter, my rock, lives up to his name.

He had to work late last night, so he called me to pray with me. He prayed for these kids and he said, "Lord, if you choose to give these children to us, we will rejoice; if you choose not to give these children to us, we will rejoice."

Wow.

We will rejoice. 

We will rejoice because our God is in control. We will rejoice because we prayed that the right family would be chosen, and we know God hears our prayers and doesn't make mistakes. We will rejoice because we had the privilege of praying for children created by the Most High God. We will rejoice because the Word of the Lord does not return void, but accomplishes the purpose for which it was sent.

But mostly, we will rejoice because Scripture tells us to rejoice in the Lord...always.

And, again, I say...

Rejoice!

Exhausted

“The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed.”

~Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

I was so tempted to quit on Monday. It was a fleeting thought, but one that I voiced aloud to Peter. I don't really want to quit, but in that very moment after six hours of social worker interviews and listening to horror stories, I was surely tempted. Peter was shocked. I had to remind him that I wanted to quit after we brought little A home, too, but that wanting to quit and actually quitting were two different things. I am not a quitter, but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally get tempted. I'm in a better frame of mind today.

Within the last week we have had four social worker meetings, totaling about 12 hours inclusive, completed roughly 25 hours of foster parent training, filled out yet even more paperwork, gone twice for fingerprinting, cleaned our house, had two home visits, and created three photo albums, one for each of the boys. To top it off, A had her 18 month pediatrician visit, and she screamed for just about the entire time we were there. Now she's napping, and I'm enjoying a cappuccino. Things are looking up.

For anyone who thinks that adoptive moms don't have to go through physical labor, I would agree. But, I would counter that with saying that contractions are about the only extreme pain we don't experience, and I hear you can medicate those. If I take any pain killing medicine, I have to report it to my social worker so she can include it in our home study. Yup, she wrote down that I very occasionally take Advil (and I mean once a year?). Oh, and that I have a glass of wine with my pasta on Sundays (what Italian doesn't?).

But enough complaining. Today is a new day and things are looking up. The children have a great foster mom who has been pouring love into them, and every time I talk to her I am encouraged. These kids are loved. By its very nature, adoption involves trauma, but I know that these children will weather that no matter where they are placed, and much of that credit will go to foster mom. Praise God for these kinds of families all around the country.

Another thing worth celebrating is that our new home study is complete. I just got off the phone with our social worker and shared with her some minor corrections. Now we just need to sign and send.

Then comes the hard part. Waiting and trusting. This is the part that I've had the most experience with and yet it's still the hardest part for me. At least while I'm compiling paperwork and answering endless intrusive questions, I am in some sort of control. Now I have none. I'm quite sure I should be glad about that, because the God of the Universe is in control, and quite frankly, He's much better at it than I am. But there still is a little (or maybe big) part of me that just wants to know that everything will turn out the way I want it to.

By earthy standards, we have a 33% chance of being chose to parent. But, depending on what God wants, we either have a 0% or a 100% chance. Deep down, that really brings me comfort.

The committee meets next Wednesday, June 18. Because of the laws of the state, we will find out that same day if we are chosen, but we will not be able to announce those results for 7-10 days. That means, I can't even contact foster mom to make logistical arrangements. The state does this to protect the children in case the family chosen reviews all the redacted paperwork and then decides they cannot follow through.

So...for those of you who have been following our story, please pray for us. And continue to pray after the 18th. Either way, we'll need God's grace, hopefully to help us prepare to welcome four new children, but if not, to grieve our loss and regroup.

Still small voice...

Well, if things could get any crazier, I'd be surprised. It has been a non-stop week.

Peter has been traveling more than usual lately. And, not just short puddle jumping trips, but cross country flights followed by hours of driving. He's been three time zones away four times since March. He was away last week when we got a call about another set of four siblings. Their caseworker wanted to know if we were interested. I was on the fence given that our hearts are so drawn towards the four that we are currently pursuing, but we want to be open to what God has for our family. My amazing husband said we should inquire. So, we told our current social worker, K, to go ahead and get the social summaries. In the meantime, we notified our new social worker, M, of the situation.

One of my favorite Scriptures of late is from the 127th chapter of Psalms: Except the Lord build the house we labor in vain. Within 24 hours, the Lord closed the doors on this new situation. Our new agency doesn't have a contract with the state of origin (it's only one of two states they don't work with, oddly enough) and the children's caseworker decided to go with another family. I praise God on two fronts: first, that He found these precious children a forever home, and second, that He did so quickly, thereby minimizing decisions Peter and I may have had to make.

Since my last post, we have begun the process of switching to an agency that can provide us with the needed foster care piece, and we learned that with that training (and if we are chosen) we will be able to take home the little girl that I thought wasn't going to come. I am consistently amazed at how God has been guiding us even before we knew what we were going to need. He led me to find the alternate training source.

Please do pray for us over the next several days. We have to do about 25 hours worth of training by Tuesday, and we have to do it independently, so we have two computers set up for that. We also have to make a photo book for each child, have a 2-3 hour interview by our committee representative, and have two home visits with our social worker. All of this by Tuesday. Because of that, today's post will be short, but I did promise to blog openly, so I wanted to post at least a little update.

And while we're asking for prayers, please lift up not only the children, but also the foster family who has been loving them (and waiting children and foster families everywhere). If you feel so inclined, you can even go to adoptuskids.com and pray for children by name.

We praise God for the people in our lives that have been so very supportive. We couldn't do this without my parents helping us watch A, and for the many friends that have been praying and offering support, we are eternally grateful.

A has a CD that we listen to in the car (Psalty the singing songbook anyone?), and the message comes from the story of Elijah - God was not in the wind or the fire or the earthquake, but He was in the stillness. What an appropriate and timely lesson for me as I am pressing close to Jesus so that the whirlwind of a week doesn't distract from leaning on my Shepherd.

Until next time...

Reblog: Six things I've learned about adoption

From my amazing sister:

The call woke me up late one December evening in 2012. I was out of state at a training seminar for work and was already fast asleep in my hotel room. Seeing that the caller was my sister, I confess that my first, half-asleep reaction [was] not quite joyous as, between the two of us, she is definitely the night person. But when I finally became coherent enough to understand what she was saying and her words – “You’re an aunt.” – sank in, I knew my life had just been irreversibly changed.

I now think of it as among the best days of my life.

What makes it different from, perhaps, the “typical” experience is that my precious niece came to our family through adoption. Now, 18 months later, I can’t get enough of her smiles, her kisses, and her words that are coming at a faster pace by the day.

Perceptions – and misperceptions – of adoption are undoubtedly too many to count, from the idea that people adopt only (and always) because it’s their only option to have children (wrong) to the idea that children are placed for adoption only because they are unwanted (wrong again).

As I’ve watched my niece grow these past months, and now as I watch my sister and brother-in-law pursue adopting four siblings, I’ve had my own perceptions challenged, reinforced, obliterated, and tweaked – in varying degrees.

While I certainly can’t give ‘advice’ as (or to) an adoptive mother, perhaps a few things I’ve learned can help others whose lives have been changed, blessed, and enriched in some way through adoption – or those who aren’t quite sure how to respond to a friend or family member who has chosen to adopt.

1) Every story is different. Before assuming you know the reason for an adoption, realize one thing: you probably don’t. Assumptions, if stated, can be hurtful – to birth mothers, to adoptive parents, and to the children involved. Just as every child is unique, so, too, is every story unique.

2) People ask some stupid questions. Yes, it’s true. While I haven’t gotten some of the downright rude questions my sister has gotten, I have gotten questions such as “Where did she come from?” “Did they adopt because they couldn’t have kids?” Etc. By and large, these questions reflect ignorance more than malice. And truth be told, I’ve probably asked these exact questions in my past (although never again). So, to all my friends who will be asked these questions, take heart, you’re not the first to face them. And to those thinking about asking these questions, think twice. If your purpose is simply your own curiosity, perhaps restraint is the virtue of the day.

3) “Adopted” does not mean “unwanted.” It’s all too easy and tempting to imagine that a birth mother places her child for adoption because she doesn’t want the child. After all, how could anyone “give up” her child? Before going any further, stop. Just stop. Unless you know the whole story, you don’t know the whole story (And even if you know the whole story, you might not know the whole story.) Certainly, those instances exist. But so do many, many cases of birth mothers showing incredible love and courage by relinquishing their children to someone else’s care.

4) Adoption does not define a child. My niece is not my “adopted” niece. My niece is my niece, who so happened to come into our family through adoption. Certainly, the fact that this is her story will impact her life. But classifying a child – any child – by the fact that they entered a family through adoption is no different from classifying them based on other factors, which we wouldn’t dream of doing.

5) If you haven’t adopted a child, don’t pretend you understand. How tempting it would be to tell my sister – or anyone pursuing an adoption – that I understand the stresses they’re going through. All that paperwork? Well, yeah, I’ve done my taxes before. All the uncertainties? Sure, I’ve been uncertain of things before. But the reality is that I have no idea. And chances are, if you haven’t adopted, neither do you. To offer our support, we don’t need to know it all or pretend that we do.

6) Adoption will change your life in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. When I first met my niece, I couldn’t begin to imagine the joy she would bring into our lives. Certainly, things changed. But it was the kind of change you never knew you needed but now can’t imagine life without. And if and when more children join my niece, I know that a year from now, I’ll be saying the same thing.

This list could be much, much longer – and I’m sure I’ll be adding even more to it in the coming months and years. But until then, I’ll be enjoying as much time as I can with the little girl whose arrival has already taught me so much.

Reposted with permission from Liveactionnews.org. 

Original link can be found here.

Trusting

Well, it turns out that little girl isn't part of this adoption. That doesn't mean that the family chosen for the boys won't be able to adopt her; it just means...well...I'm not completely sure what it means. But, I know my heart hurts. Of course, I don't really have the right to be disappointed just yet. After all, we haven't been chosen to parent these precious kids. But, there is still sadness knowing that the children may have to be separated, even if for a little while.  Foster children have already experienced so much loss in their young lives, it's hard to know that more may be coming.

On a brighter note, in the midst of the craziness of the past week - the different information depending where I call, the challenge of filling out another comprehensive set of paperwork, scheduling fingerprints (two separate times, days apart), and trying to manage our crazy calendars to fit upcoming trainings and interviews - I got an email yesterday from a social worker who is our appointed representative at the matching conference next month. This was a nice surprise. Basically, as I understand it, her job is to get to know us and then be our advocate when the committee meets to choose a family for the boys.

I suppose I didn't expect so much involvement before being chosen. When we adopted A, we submitted our home study a number of times (two dozen maybe?) before A's birth mom chose us. Those rejections weren't fun, but they were pretty straightforward: we read background info and decided whether or not to submit; birth mom either chose or didn't choose us.  We didn't have any contact with the birth family; we didn't even have any real identifying information - just first names and states of residence and some generic health and situational info. No "real" connections.

In this, our second adoption experience, we get to see pictures of the children before we even submit, and we get to hear a bit about their backgrounds and personalities. Most often, we don't hear anything unless we are being preliminarily considered. In the case of these boys for which we are one of three families, we have seen pictures, spoken with foster mom, read background info, heard their stories, etc. My heart started to attach long ago, and nothing is certain yet. Except the most important thing: God is in control of this whole situation.

From the first time I saw these boys, I have prayed that the Lord would place them in the home that HE has chosen for them.  Of course, I hope that home is ours, but more important than what I want is what He wants, after all, they do belong to Him first. So, when we pray, we ask that the Lord would place these children in the home where they best can receive what they need to become what He created them to be. If you feel so inclined, we would welcome your prayers to that end, too. With all our kids we really need to remember that they first belong to God Who then gives us the privilege to raise them. Just as Hannah gave Samuel to the Lord none of us really can lay claim to our children.

So...as we wait to see how this unfolds, we will do our part to update paperwork, attend trainings, compile family picture books, and research necessary resources. And, we'll trust that God knows the end from the beginning.

Foster Mom

I think I may have been a little unclear in my last post. Nothing is definite yet. This isn't the first time a caseworker has contacted our social worker to ask if we are still interested in certain children. In fact, several months ago, I spoke at length with a caseworker about a specific young girl in whom we had expressed interest. Another time, we were asked to answer several questions about a trio of children to see if the caseworker wanted to continue considering our family. We've gotten a second look in a handful of cases so far, but for one reason or another we either didn't make the cut or we withdrew our names. 

My heart breaks often in reading what some of these precious children have had to handle in their short lives. It really is unthinkable. And, to be honest, there is a bit of guilt for me in this process. Sometimes I think adoptive parents get to make too many choices. It took me a long time to be able to be honest about what I couldn't handle...things like severe autism or sickle cell anemia. 

Several times we've had to complete pages of checklists asking what kinds of behaviors, family histories, illnesses, and handicaps we would consider accepting. In many cases, we even get to decide gender. That last part seems a bit unnatural to me. Of course, if I gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome or a cleft palate, we would love and care for that baby. But, as a mom through adoption, I get to turn down those kids. That's sometimes tough to handle.

But, back to caseworker inquiries... In reality, since each state is so very different, a caseworker asking if we are still interested generally just means that it has been some time since our initial contact (in this case about seven weeks), and she is just checking to be sure we haven't been matched with other children so that she can continue considering us. So, while I was very excited to receive the email, I spent about two days trying to temper that excitement.

I originally intended to call foster mom after the holiday so as not to disturb her Memorial Day weekend, but I couldn't help myself, so I phoned her on Saturday. What does one say to a foster mom? I generally don't find myself at a loss for words, and goodness knows I've made plenty of phone calls to people I don't know, but somehow this was very, very different.

It turns out that foster mom, R, put me right at ease. In fact, we talked for an hour and twenty minutes! She told me that we are one of three families being considered for the children, and she answered my questions and asked some of her own. I found her to be a wonderful resource, especially since she has fostered them for quite some time.

One of the biggest questions I had for her had to do with whether or not she would want contact after an adoption. We have a semi-open adoption with A's mother now. Basically that means we email and text each other. I would welcome an open relationship with R should we be chosen for these children.

One important thing that came out during our conversation was that the family chosen would need to be dually certified both to adopt and to foster since at least one of the children is a legal risk placement, meaning that the parental rights have not yet been terminated. That means another layer of certification for us. I can see that the next few weeks will be quite busy.

Twists and Turns...

The agency through which we adopted our daughter posted on their Facebook yesterday a blog post called "8 Tips on Adoption." It's a worthwhile read for those considering adoption. I would especially highlight the first tip: learn all you can.

Per my social worker's suggestion of a few weeks ago, I contacted a local agency that works to place waiting children. Among my other questions, I asked if this agency would accept our home study as a transfer (this is not uncommon, although there is a cost involved). The adoption specialist told me that our home study is not sufficient since we do not have the national PRIDE (Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education) training and that other states will not place children with us because we don't meet the standards. Naturally, this threw me into a tailspin. No agency will provide the PRIDE training for us unless we commit to working with them, and the only place that offers it online won't work with individuals.

Next, I contacted our state foster care system to see if they would allow me to participate in the training. The specialist at the state told me that not having PRIDE training means that we cannot adopt from our home state of NJ, since NJ only places waiting children in homes that are specifically foster/adoption licensed, but she then told me that we should be good to adopt from any other state. Sometimes, it's hard to know who has the whole story...

Some good [GREAT] news in all of this... A week ago today, our social worker received an email from the caseworker for the sibling set that started our journey (the one I grieved last year and then saw again in April...I wrote about them in my last post). The boys' caseworker wanted to know if we were still interested and if we would also consider the younger sister.

Wow. Four more kids. Crazy.

We responded that we indeed were still very interested. Two days later, the caseworker sent our social worker about 50 pages of information on background, reasons for removal from home, health history, etc. She also asked us to call the current foster mom.

Yup, it's been a crazy week. We're definitely on a wild ride...

Paper pregnant - Part II

I hate roller coasters, both the physical and the emotional kind. It's funny how God works in our lives to help us trust Him. I'm thinking He put me on this roller coaster so I could learn that true stability comes from Him.

Our daughter (now 17 1/2 months old) was a surprise. We found out about her the day after she was born and within twelve hours were at the airport ready to fly across the country. We took her home from the hospital and lived in a hotel for just over a week while waiting for our ICPC clearance (Interstate Compact Placement of Children). Adoption is very much a state issue, so we needed permission to leave one state and enter another. In fact, until our adoption was finalized 6 months later, we were required to notify the agency whenever we left our home state.

Meanwhile, here is A in her first crib while waiting for ICPC clearance:

And my favorite is on the hotel room's couch (since I think she is so adorable):

What a roller coaster ride those first few weeks were...

This paper pregnancy is quite different, and it makes our first adoption feel like a kiddie carousel ride. When our little A was about 3 months old, we began talking about the process of adopting again, knowing that it could take a long time.  The average estimated wait for waiting child adoption is 18-24 months. We learned, however, that we could not start a new home study until our first adoption was legally finalized, and that was set for just after A's 6-month birthday.

While we were waiting, I was still researching, and we fell in love with a sibling set of three boys. Naturally, this prompted us to work as hard as we could to complete the mountain of paperwork required. We signed up for classes, got fingerprinted, submitted our police and child abuse checks, wrote our autobiographies, asked friends for reference letters, and pseudo-cleaned our house for our social worker's visit. :) As an aside, social workers ought to have a day reserved just to honor them (mine especially). I can't imagine working daily with such emotionally charged families!

Our home study was stamped on October 4, 2013. We were approved for up to three siblings ranging in age from infant to 16 years. Step one, done.

So, I submitted our home study for this sibling group. A week later we found out that the caseworker had stopped accepting home studies and that she never got ours. There had been an administrative glitch. I think I cried for three days. I was so sure these children were supposed to be in our home. Being rejected because we aren't a good fit is one thing; being rejected without ever having a chance to be considered is entirely different.

Fast forward to April 1st. (By then, we had submitted our home study to 38 other situations and had heard back from only a handful. It's quite rare to hear back from a caseworker unless she is interested. So, in this situation, no news is not good news.) We got an email update from our matching service listing new available children, and these three boys were again on the list! I immediately submitted our home study and then told Peter afterwards. :)

Then, the waiting began anew. We inquired about ten more situations, submitting our home study for most of them. As of this post, our total submissions number 49, for over 120 children.

One of the emotionally challenging things about this process is that for each submission, we picture particular children as part of our family, so we discuss various factors such as logistics (schooling, bedrooms, etc); and we talk about how we could meet any special needs and build relationships, transition the children into our home, etc., only to have to do it all over again the following day for another child or children. Another difficulty we've discovered involves scheduling. Not knowing when our "due date" is makes it difficult to make commitments, since we don't know if we'll be able to keep them. I've turned down a number of opportunities that I could have done because I don't know when we'll have to be ready to go.

Recently, my social worker encouraged me to contact other agencies specializing in waiting child adoption. For a number of reasons, we had our home study done through an agency that does mostly domestic infant adoptions, so our wonderful social worker wants to make sure that we have all the necessary support in place.

In my next post, I'll share some of the twists and turns my research unearthed and why adoptive families need to learn early to ask questions (lots of them) and become proactive advocates ....

Paper pregnant - part I

We're expecting. But, I'm not showing. In fact, I'm not even pregnant (but I do have odd food cravings, just ask my husband).

Actually, my husband and I are in the middle (beginning? end?) of our second adoption - we're paper pregnant. With our first baby, we kept everything quiet for a number of reasons. Among those were: it was unchartered territory (for us); people ask odd (and by odd, I also mean rude) questions; we have no due date (a biggie); it seems strange to have a baby shower without a baby bump; we knew the possibility of a failed adoption; things either happen at a snail's pace or in a whirlwind and updates get wearisome; etc.

Up until now, few people have been privy to our process, but I recently read a statistic that 75% of families who begin the adoption process get discouraged for lack of support. I know that discouragement. So, with my husband's blessing, I will be writing more about this new experience as we go through it, when the emotions are raw rather than forgotten. Hopefully, someone will read and be encouraged in the midst of what can be a discouraging and lonely process.

Our first adoption was relatively smooth as far as adoptions go, I imagine. Every situation is different. Sure, we had some rough spots (paperwork, clearances, more paperwork, more clearances, interviews, references, classes, waiting, rejection, home visits, legal paperwork, and other things I seem to have forgotten as a pregnant mom forgets the pains of labor...). But, all in all, we had smooth sailing after we [finally] settled on an agency. Within roughly four months of going active, we were matched.

This time around is definitely different. About a year ago when our daughter was around 3 months old, I began researching. We like to say around here that I am the gas pedal and my husband is the brake. It was on my heart to adopt siblings from the foster care system, but I knew that was something that the Lord would have to speak to my husband. I can argue a good case, but bringing home hurting children (and more than one, at that) would require teamwork and complete commitment on both our parts. Imagine my surprise when one day my husband informed me that he thought we should adopt siblings!

So, we started the process last July, shortly after our first adoption was finalized, and were approved in early October. I read a blogger who referred to the paperwork part as the first trimester. Six months ago we entered our second "trimester."

This process is definitely more of a marathon than a sprint. Stay tuned....

Let's burn babies to heat hospitals

Have you seen this article reporting that hospitals in the UK had burned 15,000+ aborted and miscarried babies as "clinical waste" in incinerators to provide heat for these hospitals as part of their "waste to energy" program? I have only one word to describe what's going on…

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horrifying? no…

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inhumane? no…

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unthinkable? no…

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predictable?  yes.

Honestly, this sort of behavior should come as no surprise. After all, these are just feti or fetae (in the interest of gender equality). What's the problem? 

No, really...I'm not sure why the hubbub. Apparently, the UK Department of Health was troubled enough to issue a ban on the practice and the health minister called the practice "totally unacceptable." But, if feti are simply parasites, I say burn them! Akin to moles on our skin? Light the fire! After all, these tissues are invading the mother's body. Here's a match! These feti are unwanted. Not yet human. A clump of cells. It's really not even a news story.

And yet, the hospitals involved are tap dancing in defense. One of the spokeswomen said that the facility "takes great care over foetal remains." Why? Do they take great care over ruptured appendices? How about cellulite from lipo suction? Do they honor that? Cancer cells surgically removed? Now, those are real invaders. Are they disposed of carefully?

Am I the only one who sees the irony here? 

Since the late 60s, abortion has been legal in the UK. Not only that, it's generally free. So, I'm curious…do abortion providers "take great care over foetal remains?" If not, should the NHS investigate there, too? Is the hullabaloo because the feti were incinerated, because the fire was used to heat the hospital? I'm hoping someone that supports abortion can clarify this for me.

Just in case you're unaware…a baby's heart starts beating in the 4th week after conception. By week five, the baby has nostrils and the beginning of eye lenses. Week 6 reveals a nose, an upper lip, and the start of fingers. Toes, bones, and elbows show up in week 7, and eyelids can close in week 8…fingernails by week 10. Maybe these are some of the reasons that this story is so upsetting. Maybe there is a bit of humanity in society that instinctively understands the incongruity?

Oddly enough, the same spokeswoman said that "parents are given exactly the same choice on the disposal of foetal remains as for a stillborn child and their personal wishes are respected." If that's not a tacit pro-life message, I'm just not sure what is. Hypocrisy, perhaps?

The real face of racism

I'm offended. Generally speaking, it takes quite a bit to offend me, but this one really takes the cake. An MSNBC panel led by Melissa Harris-Perry recently made fun of an adopted baby whose race is different from his adoptive family's. This hits close to home. My daughter does not share my ethnicity. Apparently MSNBC thinks she's less my kid than if she had come from my body. Thanks. I'll try to remember that next time I have a sleepless night because little 'A' isn't feeling well, or the next time I have to hold a screaming baby still while a nurse draws blood, or perhaps the next time baby girl throws herself a little tantrum in Target. Yes, she's just a token. Clearly my husband and I adopted her to prove we aren't racist. Thanks for clearing that up, Melissa Harris-Perry, et. al.

By and large, I'm aware that people are generally curious about adoption, and I try to be open so people can ask me questions. In my own little way, I like to help dispel some of the myths. In my experience, most people are genuine and mean no harm. I have been asked all sorts of questions like "where is your daughter from?" "what is she?" and one sweet person even told me she had reservations about our raising a child of another ethnicity. Hey, so did we. It means we choose to explore cultures other than our own. Not something most parents have to do. I get it.

So, let me clear something up for the hatemongers at MSNBC: Adoption is hard. I know. I've done it. And, for the record, I've talked to parents with both adopted and biological children, and they've confirmed the difficulty as unique. Yes, I didn't go through labor and delivery, and any weight I gained I couldn't blame on a baby (my big regret). But, I've had strangers walk through my home and inspect it, counting fire extinguishers and asking for maps of escape routes. I've had to provide dozens of pages of private financial and medical information, numerous FBI and state fingerprint checks, records on every address I've had for the past 20 years, and health history for a dozen of my closest relatives. Oh yeah, and I had to find six people who thought I was qualified to parent and ask them to write reference letters. Then, once our application was in, we had to take parenting classes, CPR and first aid, read books, write reports, and provide several hours worth of interviews. The list goes on. And, if that isn't enough, we had to answer questions about parenting style, sign piles of affidavits, and have special approval to adopt a non-caucasian baby. Yes, you read that correctly, we had to have special approval to adopt a non-caucasian baby. The agency had to feel certain that we weren't racist and that we were prepared for raising a baby of a different skin color and ethnic background.

All of that before we were approved to adopt.

Once we were approved, we had to submit our profile to potential situations that we thought were a good match. We were denied numerous times. 

Finally, we were matched with a baby, with whom we lived in a hotel away from our families for the first week-and-a-half of her life. Then, within two weeks of 'A's' birth, we had to visit an out-of-state court and answer questions under oath before a judge, argue repeatedly with our insurance company to convince them that they had to cover our daughter on our policy, wait for permission from the court system to go home, and have a social worker come into our house and make sure everything was ok - all before I was a mom for two weeks. 

Over the next six months, we had to provide letters and documents to the agency updating them on our daughter's growth and medical care, notify our agency whenever we went out of state, have three more social worker visits to make sure, again, that the state would be comfortable granting us permanent custody, and get re-fingerprinted to keep all our clearances current until our finalization.

All of that before our adoption became final six months after 'A' was born. 

And, guess what. We'd do it all over again. Because our daughter is worth it. 

But here's the point. The parents of this beautiful little boy being referenced on MSNBC had to go through pretty much the same thing that we did. And the best this news panel could do is call the baby a token, suggest that 23 whites and 1 black accurately represent the GOP, and sing "one of these things is not like the other" while looking at the family picture and then suggest how humorous it would be if this baby grew up to marry Kanye West's daughter making the Romneys and the Wests in-laws? REALLY? How disgracefully sophomoric.

Here's the reason, though, that what they did was apparently ok: the beautiful family in the picture, the family being mocked for having a token black kid, the family whose precious little adopted baby is a token is none other than the Romney family. Yup. So, that makes all of this acceptable. Apparently all of the "black conservatives" in the GOP are only tokens - Allen West, Herman Cain, Condoleezza Rice (notably, the first female black Secretary of State), Mia Love, Angela McGlowan, Star Parker, Thomas Sowell, and Clarence Thomas, to name a few. According to some on the progressive side, the only black people that can think for themselves are liberals. And, the only white people who aren't racist are liberals. 

Lest I be misunderstood, I think there is racism on both sides of the aisle just like I think there are good people on both sides. And, I am aware that Harris-Perry apologized. Big deal. 

The over-arching problem is that racist and bigoted behavior is tolerated when it comes from the left. Tea Party Americans can be called by sexual slurs (teabaggers), Sarah Palin can be referred to as a pig, President Obama can say "typical white person"...hey, some liberals even make fun of their own, suggesting that Obama previously could have been fetching coffee (Bill Clinton to Ted Kennedy) and that he wouldn't know how to sell watermelons (Dan Rather). 

But, I suppose when you don't really have an argument that holds water, the next best thing to do is to sling mud.